♪ ♪
TV ANNOUNCER: Waterman Cable Access Presents
Picking on Raccoons.
I'm Harv Williams.
And as always, my wife Shelly.
SHELLY: Hello!
We got a raccoon over here, who looks like
he's feeling pretty high and mighty this afternoon.
Let's go pick on him.
Ha! No one likes you, you garbage-eating bastard.
SHELLY: Harv!
(raccoons growl)
(Williamses screaming, raccoons growling)
(Harv emits a prolonged groan)
I'm Harv. I hate raccoons.
(babbling)
Hmm. What else is on?
(funky disco plays) ♪ My name is Cleveland Brown ♪
♪ And I am proud to be ♪
♪ Right back in my hometown ♪
♪ With my new family ♪
♪ There's old friends and new friends ♪
♪ And even a bear ♪
♪ Through good times and bad times ♪
♪ It's true love we share ♪
♪ And so I found a place ♪
♪ Where everyone will know ♪
♪ My happy mustached face ♪
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman == (chuckles)
The Cleveland Show 2x21 Your Show of Shows Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
(class bell rings)
All right, all right, now.
Let's shtetl down, class.
It's time to sign up
for the school's annual participation show,
because certain parents felt that the word "talent"
set up unreasonable expectations.
Thank you, Gordon.
Oh, okay. It's that time again.
Baby, let's do this thing.
Now, don't y'all be afraid to sign up
just 'cause me and my boys
blew everyone off the stage last year.
♪ ♪
(music stops, camera shutter clicks)
♪ ♪ (crowd cheers, screams)
Once again, I am not part of this act.
I had a mild stroke an hour ago.
Why is no one calling 911?!
Yo, Rallo.
What we going to do for our act this year?
Don't worry, guys. I got a plan.
Our act is going to be so off the hook,
you're going to remember it for the rest of your lives.
Or not at all, 'cause we're five.
Y'all won't remember any of this.
I killed a guy, and I never miss Glee.
(laughs) Nah, they're going to forget that by nap time.
And what's with this Gmail?
I just got used to e-mail.
Will someone please tell me why we skipped f-mail?
Man, lunchtime with Cleveland
is the single funniest hour in America.
Check it: ten impressions, 30 seconds.
He's going to do it. Put down your drinks.
My name is Borat. Is nice.
(as Christopher Walken): More cowbell.
(as Bill Cosby): Jell-O pudding, you see?
(as Sean Connery's James Bond): Pussy Galore. I must be dreaming.
(as Mr. T): I pity the fool!
(Chewbacca's growly cry)
(as Chris Griffin): Stewie, come smell my butt.
(as Scooby-Doo): Rooby-Rooby-Roo!
(woof-like laughing)
(like Fat Albert): Hey, hey, hey. I'm Rosie O'Donnell.
(pants) How many was that? Nine.
(as Borat): Is nice.
Oh, I'm telling you, this should be a show.
Well, I have been described as likable and accessible.
But you, you're a natural sidekick.
(à la Ed McMahon): Correct is what you are, sir.
(imitating a train whistle)
Did someone pull the "cool boss" alarm?
Go ahead, Terry. Pull it.
I'm kidding. What'd I miss?
Hey, Mr. Waterman.
Aren't you looking for a show to replace that raccoon guy?
Put Cleveland on TV.
Aren't you already on one of the CSIs?
No. Huh. Well, then...
Mr. Fishburne, you've got yourself a show!
My own cable access show!
Hooray! (microwave dings)
My burrito's ready! Hooray!
RALLO: All right, guys. Let's give it a try.
♪ ♪
RALLO: Hyah! (silence)
(loud crying)
I can't believe it didn't work.
Now we got nothing for the talent show.
Oh, Rallo.
What in the world made you think
you could break a board with your hand?
I learned it from you, Mom!
I learned it from watching you!
(low sinister tone, silence)
ANNOUNCER: Parent's who do karate have children who do karate.
And five, four, three...
♪ ♪ TIM: From Stoolbend, it's The Relatively Late Show,
starring, uh, Cleveland Brown.
And now... Cleveland is here!
(music stops)
Hi. Wow.
Thanks for tuning in to our very first show.
How's everybody doing?
Boy, it was hot in Stoolbend today, wasn't it?
You know how hot it was?
TIM: Uh, no, sir.
It was so hot
that if Tim's son Raymond were a potato
and he went outside,
he'd be twice-baked.
(punch line percussion)
Uh, Tim's son is a stoner.
Not sure if everyone knew that.
(riotous laughing)
Yes!
A stoner potato.
Uh, Dr. Brown, it's time to interview
the next candidate for the rocket scientist position.
Now, I must remind you
that you've already had two warnings
about sexual harassment, so this is your last chance.
I'll be good.
What's the candidate's name?
Uh, Big Boob June.
♪ ♪
Got milk?
(punch line percussion)
(chuckles) Let's hear it for the NASA sketch.
(chickens clucking) Hi.
Who's soft. Are you soft?
I'm going to name you Scott Bathroom Tissue.
That's adorable.
Lester, what other animals you have
running around in your filthy house?
I've got a basement full of these. (cockroach clatters)
Whoa-ho-ho!
I think he likes me.
TIM: Oh, hey.
I, uh...
I ate, uh, Scott Bathroom Tissue, so, uh...
♪ ♪ Well, that's our show.
I'd like to thank our guests:
Big Boob June from the grocery store,
my neighbor Lester and Luke Wilson.
And thanks, Gus.
The federal government blew the levees during Katrina.
Stay tuned for Cat Party. Good night!
♪ ♪
(copier whirs) So, Arch, you catch my show last night?
Yep. Sucked. Huh. One man's opinion.
Nope. Several thousand people's opinion.
No way.
Yes way. Look on the internet.
Here's a review.
Mr. Brown has the charm of a graveyard-shift bus driver
and the comic timing of a wife beater.
That's got to be a typo. Wait.
What's that one?
When Waterman Cable decided
to fill Harv the Raccoon Guy's shoes,
little did we know they'd fill them with feces.
Hey, but you still got four stars!
Oh, out of a thousand.
Uh, weird system.
If you'll excuse me, Tim,
I need to go wash my hands.
(Cleveland cries)
(sobbing): Oh, everybody hates me!
(whimpering)
(zipper unzips)
Wow.
That's 178 bad reviews in a row.
You were one rotten tomato.
Quiet! Hit "refresh."
(button clacks) What?!
I do not look like Mr. Potato Head.
Oh, baby. So what if people didn't like your awful show.
You shouldn't care so much about what people think.
I don't. Because I know one's self-worth comes from within.
You're right, Donna.
So silly of me to get upset.
I should be more like you.
Who doesn't care so much,
she wears this! (screams)
(gasps)
(throat closed): Uh... vanity,
vanity, vanity.
Oh, man. I'm in trouble.
I got nothing.
You? You'll be fine.
You always land on your feet.
You're like a cat, or a man made entirely of feet.
Well, thanks, Cleveland.
You know, you're going to be all right, too.
You got a certain limited appeal.
You mean that? Yeah.
Rallo, change my expression to one of determination.
♪ ♪ (face parts popping)
Now, you see these charts behind me?
Well, someone left them here after the insurance conference,
so don't let them distract you.
Because we need to reinvent my show!
Now, I need to be beloved.
Who is the most beloved person on television? Not you.
Thank you. Oprah.
Kendra got fused to the couch
watching an Oprah marathon once.
Arianna likes that little dancing fella, uh...
Ellen. My mom watches The View. In her nightie.
The View's horrible. Two meanings.
That's it! Oprah! Ellen!
The View! Ugh!
If we can figure out how to appeal to women,
people will love me!
And my show, too!
Hmm. Now, what do we know about women?
They pee when they sneeze.
Do they? Yep.
According to that sneezing pee-bag Whoopi Goldberg.
Great! What else do we know?
They also pee when they... Okay.
We got to think outside the pee-box.
Let's do a little research.
We're going to go out there
and watch every single chick talk show we can find.
Cleveland's tigers... go!
(all cheer)
(tiger roars)
Murray, we need your help.
We got no act for the talent show.
Don't have an act?
You boys came to the right place.
Back in my day, in the Catskills,
I was a hit maker.
You ever hear of "Peezy Wheezy?"
"You Are So Rare to Me?"
"Tovah Made a Sukkah with Zeidel?"
These are not words you're using.
Look, you want current? That's easy.
I can write you guys a hip-hop song.
You can? My nephew Mordecai owned a studio.
Those rapper guys came through there all the time.
So I know the drill.
Leave it to me, and I'll have
all your little homeboys cheering your name.
All right, Murray.
I don't know if an old Jew
has ever tried to glom onto young black talent before,
but let's give it a whirl.
(upbeat music playing)
Kids.
Mothers.
Shopping.
Chocolate.
White wine.
Loneliness.
Bulimia.
Drapes.
I know what women care about.
I am...
Cleveland!
Now, please welcome our first guest,
my pancake-lovin' stepdaughter, Roberta Benigni Tubbs!
(applause)
We want to talk about what all women
want to talk about-- your period!
What?!
Now, do you roll your own tampons,
or do you pay someone to roll them for you?
Cleveland!
Relax, baby.
We all know what goes on downtown, right, girlfriends?!
(cheering)
♪ ♪
Okay, okay! I roll my own!
I... roll... my... own!
(cheering)
Okay, now, this was Kendra just two hours ago
before our makeover experts got a hold of her.
Kendra, are you ready to show the world the new you?
I'm a-scared.
It's okay, honey.
We're all rooting for you.
Lift the giant tarp, fellas.
(audience gasps, cheers)
Ho-ho! You all seem to like it,
but let's see what her husband says.
Where's Kendra?
I only see a beautiful clown.
I'm the beautiful clown!
(audience cheering)
You've been such a wonderful audience,
and because I love you all so much,
you're all getting something fabulous!
Look under your chairs!
There's nothing here.
Under mine, either.
Where's my free stuff?
Oh, my goodness. Is there nothing under there?
Hmm.
Well, maybe that's because...
girlfriend, you need to stop looking for material things
and start looking for the gifts inside yourselves!
(all squealing)
Cleveland!
ALL (chanting): Cleveland! Cleveland!
Thank you, Cleveland Brown Jr.,
who insisted on performing despite being ineligible
for a kindergarten talent show.
And now, please welcome Rallo Tubbs, Bernard Bernard
and Theodore Parker Jr. III.
Now, remember, trust the words I wrote for you.
I'll be right here
chatting up that foxy teacher of yours.
(growls)
(thumping hip-hop music plays)
Now, I'm gonna tell you how it is.
Us kids today, I'll tell you,
we seem to think money grows on trees.
But it doesn't.
It grows out of hard work and sound investment.
We're about to drop some knowledge on y'all.
♪ Dollars, greens, scrilla, beans ♪
♪ Paper, G's, Susan B's ♪
♪ Interest rates too good to pass up ♪
♪ Don't be a putz, gotta bank that cash up ♪
♪ Kids these days take their dough and show it ♪
♪ Don't know how to grow it, get allowance and ♪
ALL: ♪ Blow it! ♪
♪ Rims for my big wheel ♪ ♪ Custom kicks ♪
♪ No, I'd rather have a pension when I'm 66 ♪
♪ I want a kiddie pool full of shorties ♪
♪ Juice boxes on ice ♪
♪ Not when I'm saving to attend Brandeis ♪
♪ Don't need an X-Box, put it all in tech stocks ♪
♪ Now I got fresh bucks popping up like chicken pox ♪
♪ Cheddar, bones, grizzles, scones ♪
BOTH: ♪ Paper, ducats fillin' buckets ♪
♪ Look here, steer clear of financial smashup ♪
♪ Don't be a yutz ♪
♪ Just bank that cash up! ♪
♪ Bank your cash up ♪
♪ If you're advertising saving, I can be your pitchman ♪
♪ Bank your cash up ♪ ♪ Stash my scrill away ♪
♪ So someday I'll be a rich man ♪
("If I Were a Rich Man")" ♪ Bada-bada-bada-bum ♪
♪ Roth IRA ♪
♪ 401K ♪
♪ Finances fatter than Gabourey Sidibe ♪
♪ FDIC ♪
♪ Long-term CD ♪
♪ Visit the museum on a day that it's free ♪
♪ First Friday of the month, y'all ♪
♪ It's Bernard ♪ ♪ Theodore ♪
♪ And Rallo T ♪
♪ Spittin' fiscal responsibility ♪
♪ Word is "savings bond" ♪
♪ Hoes. ♪
(mikes feed back)
(booing)
Nerds! You suck!
You're lame.
(booing continues)
Maybe it's not cool to rap about fiscal responsibility.
Murray, they hated us!
They're booing us.
What? I turned my hearing aid off
so I wouldn't have to hear all that booing.
Pick me up.
You made us look like idiots.
Never speak to me again.
"Never reek of pee again"?
I can't make that promise, Rallo!
(children laughing, yelling)
Ah, man! I don't know
if I can take a whole recess
of getting our humps busted.
Stupid Murray.
You were right, Theodore.
We should have gone with your uncle, T-Pain.
(all sigh)
Losers!
My parents were supposed to give me a bike for my birthday,
but after they heard your song, they gave me a savings bond.
Your rap was stupid.
(chuckles) Yeah, we know. We did it on purpose.
We're a joke band like Spinal Tap or Aerosmith.
Man, we are universally loafed.
"Loathed," fool.
Damn!
Okay, girls, we've had our morning cry,
and now it's on to business.
We're on top, and we need to stay on top.
So let's talk ideas.
What do you have to va-say-say?!
What if, uh... what if we reunite, uh, women
with their first gynecologist?
Tim, I want you to stop thinking down here
and start thinking up here.
Cleveland, can I talk to you for a second?
This is why we need a production office.
What?! I need some help.
I'm at rock bottom.
Your mom's got a rockin' bottom.
(laughs)
Write that down.
"Men who say inappropriate things
in front of their children."
Come on, man. I need your help.
We got laughed out of school 'cause we did a song
about fiscal responsibility.
The only ones who liked it were the teachers and moms.
Wait a minute. That's our audience.
We've got our next show! Rallo,
you boys are going to be on TV.
What?! We'll be the laughing stock of Stoolbend!
We're not doing it.
Oh, you're doing it,
or I'll sign you up for the summer reading program.
You wouldn't.
Oh, the friends you'll make, Rallo.
The friends you'll make!
(evil laugh, thunder crashing)
Thank you, Junior.
Uh-oh. Here come the polizia.
(mimics European siren)
Okay.
(show theme music playing)
Hey, girls!
We got a great show for you today.
My stepson Rallo and his friends are going to sing us
a little song about responsible investing.
(cheering)
MURRAY: Not so fast.
Murray?
If there's one thing I learned
in all my days in show business, it's when to admit you're wrong.
You're wrong! You're all wrong!
That is a hit song!
But just in case I'm wrong,
I wrote you a new one anyway.
(thumping hip-hop music plays)
♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ We used to rap about saving a buck ♪
♪ But now all we care about is (bleep) ♪
♪ We're gonna (bleep) in the (bleep) ♪
♪ With a ladder and a (bleep) ♪
♪ Piscataway, New Jersey! ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ (bleep) tuchus (bleep) ♪
♪ On my sock garters (bleep) ♪
♪ Crack your skull ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Used to rap about saving like a bunch of (bleep) ♪
♪ (bleep) that (bleep), we're about gettin' (bleep) ♪
♪ Get it, get it, get that (bleep) ♪
♪ Kill it, kill it, kill that (bleep) ♪
♪ First Friday of the month, y'all! ♪
(mikes feed back)
You realize you're canceled, right?
Yep.
Then, give me a show!
Huh? What can you do?
(playing "Three Blind Mice" amateurishly)
(kids cheering)
That was awesome!
I can't believe you swore on TV!
You inspired me to get and kill some (bleep),
whatever that is.
Seeing you guys turn things around like that
inspired me to walk again.
(laughs) Just kidding.
I'm paralyzed.
You got kind of a dark sense of humor.
Hey, Murray!
Good to see everything's back to normal.
Thanks again, my old man friend.
Hey, how'd you come up with that stuff anyway?
Filth is easy.
Anyone can write that stuff.
Besides, you never heard "Peezy Weezy."
♪ Peezy Weezy, your (bleep) I wanna squeezy ♪
♪ As we (bleep) in the pale moonlight ♪
♪ Oh, Peezy Weezy, I'm gonna ask you please-y ♪
♪ Won't you tickle my (bleep) tonight? ♪
♪ My Peezy Weezy! ♪
Look, it was a different time.
The war... we didn't know how long we were going to live.
So, who wants an ice milk?
ALL: I do!
== sync, corrected by elderman ==